The day I contracted the Ebola Virus

Flying to Canada for our second wedding we were on flight 4 of 11 flights. After 22 hours of non stop flying my bum was numb & I needed fresh air. What makes it extra long is I cant drink alcohol due to my special condition - verbal diarrhea. Just a few drinks and I have a desperate need to talk and entertain everyone with my wisdom. The last time I drank on a plane I flew at night - I spoke the head off both people sitting next to me who made like they were sleeping to get me to shut up. After a million more drinks I knew where the flight attendants hid at the back of the plane .......so thats a good 45 minutes of talking kak till they start avoiding me and ran away one by one. Then I sink down to stalking people at the toilets like a psycho at 3am. They have to go and thats when the alcohol says......Hey! you wasted and these people find you interesting.......hahahah. After a while I remember there's a crew kitchen in the middle of the plane so while everyone is sleeping I get to entertain and annoy those flight attendants. .......and just before I started the first on flight karaoke session with the easily accessible intercom..... I was given the evil eye to go back to my seat. Ya....right!...such player haters. So this time I flew sober for everyone's sake.

Well we land and on our way home I start throwing up along the road. I caught a bug and the nausea and vomiting continued for 3 days. Being the tough African........ I took a GrandPa & sucked it up for 3 days. Unfortunately wife & her father caught the GI and had to go to hospital at 5am on day 3. We told the doctor I had it first and we just flew in. Then he heard the infamous word. AFRICA. Yes we came from Africa!! That's all it took. The doctor started getting nervous and paranoid. The next day the hospital was on lock down. No one could enter without face masks and special permission. I couldn't believe it. Some ignorant people always blow shit outta proportion. Now they think I brought the Ebola virus in the country cause all they know about Africa is mud huts, mosquitoes, Ebola Virus & Aids - Now I am worried about being deported but our wedding is in 2 days. This is too much stress for an African. Cant we ever get a break!!

This is where I am from, beautiful Cape Town. Its more beautiful than Miami & 15 times cheaper than London. No Malaria or Ebola. I can understand you watch too much National Geographic and your expectation is negative but don't worry I am here to give you perspective.

My wife and father in law were not allowed to leave but during my visit we escaped the hospital without consent and continued arranging the wedding. Not sure how close we came to wearing surgical masks at the wedding but not even the Ebola Virus could stop our special day!

When in Rome......

When in Rome...... When in Rome my foot!!

 Ya we will pose with you and thank you for taking the picture but you don't get to tell me how much to tip you. 5.00 Euro a person. Is jy van jou kop af? (are you mad?) I saw them rip off a family of six for 30.00 Euro. I don't care that you have a sword, I am from SA, Ill wrap that shit around your neck like a scarf. Step back and take this Eur 1.00 as a gift. Don't worry wifey I'll handle this, no need to be worried. I feel at home with all these knives pulled out around me. Remember Iam from Athlone and do kickboxing. And if they call the cops Ill just speak Afrikaans till they all give up and just walk away.

Trevi Fountain, Rome, Italy     http://www.trevifountain.net/

Trevi Fountain, Rome, Italy      http://www.trevifountain.net/

So the only big money I am spending here is that 2 pennies you have to throw over each shoulder into the fountain so I can come back and take more pictures.These fake fairy gladiators were making a killing through being forceful and intimidating. These tourists didn't stand a chance, and it was pissing me off to no extent. I hate bullies cause the nice people are the ones coming off 2nd best. Ofcourse I gave them shit! I love standing up for others but didn't have time on this occasion to be the hero for everyone else. I had this beautiful city to explore with my wife.

Romance in the Tuscan Valley

Romance!!! My wife's favourite word! I had to step up & make a plan. So when travelling in the Mediterranean, I booked a trip to the Romantic Tuscan Valley in Italy, for a beautiful scenic drive to a mansion once belonging to the Bonaparte Family for a special olive oil tasting and lunch. We explored old rustic towns along the way and took in one of the most amazing sceneries in the world. We were introduced to the art of making olive oil and were treated to a pure Italian lunch.To go above and beyond on the special day I proved my romantic side by getting into an olive tree and picking her olives myself. What a guy hey!!

Tuscany, Italy    www.discovertuscany.com/

I told her that this place was romanticized by thousands of love stories & movies through the years but this is the only time a man risked his life picking olives for his wife. This is where she was suppose to declare her undying love and appreciation to her adoring husband. Alas......she was not impressed and started giving me a lecture about romance and what I did wrong!! What?.....that's what I thought right?

 

                                                http://www.casalebonaparte.it/index.html

Guess I will have to Google romance and try again. Have I really raised the bar so high I cant match it myself. Or has all these wonderful romantic movies created a such an expectation that our partners feel disappointed with our menial and modest attempts at romance. I could pull a romantic rabbit out my ass too if I had the budget of a Hollywood studio. Maybe I am making excuses but its not for a lack of trying.

Ho Ho Ho.......(Iam not talking to you ma'am)

Only I can make a drama out of a Xmas party........... The day started on a high. We spent thousands of dollars on toys, food & entertainment. We were going to one of the poorest countries in the world to spoil school kids for Xmas. We pulled up with the largest cruise ship in the world to a small island called Haiti. There amongst the palm trees, white sands and crystal clear ocean 5 meters away we started decorating for our party.

Chefs, face painters, entertainers & Santas little helpers were all in place and hyped up. As we were on a Caribbean beach I decided it was time for a Black Father Christmas all dressed up in floral shirt shorts and a Santa's hat. That was the plan initially and then fate stepped in. So Collette had bought a Santa suit before I decided to be Island Santa. As we were still setting up I humored them by agreeing to put the suit on for a picture only. You must understand.....its 38C with 100% humidity. Meaning that 5 mins outside and the sweat is running down your ass like Niagara. Although we were in shorts it was like walking on the beach wrapped in a wool blanket.

So quickly I jumped into this red woolen potato sack of a Santa suit for a quick pic. I had it on for 5 seconds and felt like a hotdog insulated in a foil blanket. The immense heat made my hands swell up and the sweat in my eyes blinded me instantly. Take the damn picture was all my lungs could shout. Just as I began removing my the suit............who pulls up?......but the bus with all the kids......Nooooooo!!!....... Now they all seen me and going crazy in the bus. I would not dare take the suit off now. They don't care that this long sleeved, long pants and hat is drenching sweat out of me like the water off a shaking wet dog.

As the kids were still on the bus, I gave in and had to take a chance. This was too much for me. To hell with the kids, my sanity was involved and I started taking off the suit...........only to get the Look from the wife........You know that look that just beats the shit out of you for even thinking something bad........I was weak, the force was not with me. I put the hat back on and forced a smile. So I finally experienced how a pig would sweat in a sweat lodge. Adding insult to injury I was given a crash course in French and kept on mixing up the Xmas greeting while handing out gifts. Noel joeelle....something......... By this time the suit was like cling wrap, I could only see a blur through my sweaty eyes & the gift were slipping out of my hands. Then as the older kids came they started making requests for gifts & only soccer balls. If my French was any good I tell them to "shut up and take this". After about a 240 kids I got up pushing and knocking past the kids in the ice cream line to get me some, apologizing along the way. It was the next best thing to jumping into that crystal water.

Am I proud of myself? Damn right! All the kids were given gifts by a Santa who spoke back to front french, We sang songs with them, filled their little bellies, painted their faces and most importantly I lost 6 kgs.

Colour blind beauty

Growing up I always knew we were one of the best countries in the world. I always believed we were the smartest in Africa and more modern than most countries. There was nothing more sobering for me than to leave home for the First World.

One of the biggest notables was the amount of multiracial couples of all nationalities that I have met. I knew this was possible at home and seen it on TV a few times - thank you Piet Kornhof/Alan Boesak - but the reality of it all really proved how naive I was. This amalgamation and acceptance of different cultures and races also further entwined families of different nationalities. Why are we South Africans still clinging on to our parents racism and stereotypes?  Have First World countries for the most part really overcome this petty racism? I think so as they are decades ahead but still far from eliminating them.

There are some interesting statistics and stereotypes regarding which demographic and gender prefers which but these lead to misconceptions which are poorly understood by the ignorant. We have to admit that the highest matched statistic is between the darker skinned men and the lighter skinned women. The compatibility between these two are really quite incomprehensible but one that is growing with huge popularity. Sometimes I wonder why this is?

Case Study: Black man comes from a R&B/soul and white female usually from BSB/NKOTB. Hhmmm? He eats spicy hot fried foods while she does pasta and salad. On opposite sides of the kitchen. He never once rode a BMX with a helmet while she would not dare to go on two wheels without the mandatory head protection. Its the law! He would jump the line to get ahead and she would wait her turn. He will tell someone to "fuck off" at the drop of a hat while she would say "sorry" and move out of the way. Its just decorum. He would drive 17 years without a licence with a bar in the boot while she would call the cops on him. lol... He would run madly across the street while she would politely proceed to the cross walk until the light allows pedestrian crossing.

Why this match is so beautiful I will never know. It could be the exciting clash of cultures or a balancing of personalities. I know it works and can only say.........."I Love you babe!" Thank you for showing me the recklessness of my ways and blessing me with some patience and the knowledge that I do not need to shout and swear at people in public. Without you I would just be another hot headed South African.

Oh Lord help me!

Headline: Capetonian runs over pedestrians in Canada!! Lets back step here a little. At school they taught us about traffic lights and pedestrian crossings. Iam sure they were forced to but in reality no one in SA follow these rules. If you crossed the road on a green pedestrian light you will be killed by a thousand taxis running over you like a herd of buffalo running from lions. People in SA think pedestrian crossings are actually bar-codes that police helicopters scan for road names during chases.  More people were knocked over at pedestrian crossings than the rush at an Edgars Red Hanger Sale. They are clueless, especially with with rule that traffic lights don't work after midnight. We only have these pedestrian lights in SA so the rest of the world can think we civilized but its just for show - like your useless plastic car bumper.

                                              

Now in Canada - these folks don't play. Pedestrians own the streets and have right of way. I really don't have the discipline or patience to survive here. At home a green light means go. Here it means wait until all the pedestrians are safely across the street while you swear and curse with a fake smile. When I was told I could turn right even on a red light, I thought I was in a Schuster Gag, waiting for Leon to jump out and say "jy is mos befok in jou kop' (you must be bloody mad) You not allowed to turn into any road if people want to cross. Yes ......you have to wait at the intersection like a second class citizen while the privileged class strolls across on their own time. AAarrrhhg

I can only take it one day at a time and hopefully no pedestrians will jump in front of my car!!