Been Busy

Yaslike

Its been a busy few months since the last blog and the world has changed. SA legal to smoke weed now. The poor people are going to go bos befok now with weed. I really don't think SA is ready for it with all the addiction and poverty all around. I am ruining it with all my folks who respect and enjoy it culturally. Its just SA is really fucked up and least a man can smoke in peace now.....

Everyone still trying to kill Trump with their words. That's not changed.

I am even listening to alot of Conservative pundits and enjoying them bashing the social warriors who are pussies about everything. If you getting upset now then you did not take your Bob Martins obviously. Voetsek with your sensitivity.

I am now a super hero chasing the bad guys at night. Our neighbourhood watch is befok. We got this guy who is clued up with all the happenings and people and hectic dedicated to keep our area safe. I was told not getting out the car and moering people. So I do it uncover as a Canadian but when the block screw I raffel uit. Garlandale had one too back in the day. They just parked by Klipfontein Bridge and got gesuip. Tsk Tsk Tsk

Paying $70 for cable I must be jus. The only reason I have it is for Formula 1 Live. But they just came up with a stream for F1 but all the races start here at 7am. No ways I can do it. I am so close to Montreal but my lazy ass has never made it there. I gotta to get myself together and prioritze.

So I am adulting now and juggling house, cars, insurance and daycares. All I can say these buggers better grow and start supporting me because I got a garage full of diaper receipts and counting.

No I am not getting a dog. I can hardly handle the other 3. Imagine 5 months of snow with a dog inside. Hou op. I like dogs to run free and kak everywhere. I would be a bad candidate for a puppy.

For some reason my clothes are shrinking and getting uncomfortable. I cant fit into my wardrope any more. Gonna buy new washing machine soon. Hopefully then I can bend over and tie my shoelaces.

Looked at some nice holiday homes on the West Coast. Huge homes for cheap nogal. Who wants to be neighbours when we retire. We will klop Al Jerreau songs and drink late harvest and whistle at the kinnes......

You know you old when you drinking rooi bos sitting in your underpants talking kak in a blog.

Oldie out.......

Turkey Giveaway

So every week after doing our shopping my wife asks if I want a whole turkey at checkout and everyweek I say I dont want it. Why pay for this huge bird when its all just a big mess. I was not sure why she insisted because our first thanksgiving here we made the Turkey dinner. First buying the huge roasting pot along with basting thingy etc. It came out perfect but we had so much left over it just took up space. I know we suppose to be resourceful and make soup and sandwiches for 2 months but whos got time for that.

Ya so only the other day I find out that because we spend so much on groceries we get a free gift. The free gift was a whole turkey. Damn I thought she wanted me to pay for a turkey every week. I could of fed whole of Africa with all the turkeys I said no to. Even if I wanted to give it away its not like there are poor people outside the store I can just give it to.

Anyway they started to give other gifts now which I do take. Next turkey I will take to shelter downtown and spread the love. 

Water Crisis Resolved

Dear Cape Tonians in Africa

My name is George and I am the son of a Canadian Prime Minister. I have connections in the government that allows me access to the glaciers. My father has allowed me to send 25 container ships filled with thousands of containers of pure glacier ice which you can dump into your dams. My step mom is in charge of Export and will not charge you for the ice or the ships. All I ask is to pay the poor port workers a total of $250 000.00. We believe our generosity is worth the mere payment to the workers because Canadians are very thoughtful to think of them. Please make the money order out to the Engels Save Water Crisis Foundation. On receipt thereof we will begin shipping the ice immediately in refrigerated containers.

But you have to hurry because our glaciers are temperamental and they too might not be long for this world. The water struggle is real but we here to help. Please make only one money order for total amount and spell correctly our name. Please share the more ice you get.

At your Service,
George Engel PHD, AHD, PMS Prime Ministers son.
United states of Canada
Official..

Dumpster Diving or First World Perks

What would me dear mother say if she were alive and saw me picking up childrens toys from second hand shops, garage sales and along the side of the road? Skannerluk comes to mind. But if she only knew the life style here she might have a second opinion.

Well let me tell ya something. Every other weekend the lovely people of Winnipeg put items on their curb which they no longer want. This is not garbage or broken items because those are just sent out with the trash. I am talking about working and good condition belongings that are now unwanted. Old working Tvs, Water coolers, stoves, fridges, toys, furniture etc......

So many times I would drive by items that caught my eye but knowing that my mother was looking down on me, I dare not touch it. "Is jy befok?" is something that I would hear in my thoughts. You see even though I am from Africa taking charity was never easy or welcomed. There was always too much pride. Still to this day I am not able to give a discount coupon over the counter because that means I needed it. Unacceptable right there, my pedigree would not allow it.

In Canada the massively popular Tim Hortons Coffee has the Roll Up the Rim challenge. After your coffee is finished you roll the rim to see if you won a car or coffee. I have won many free coffees but for the life of me I am unable to hand it over the counter. I just cant. So I give it away.

I also do not do well with negotiating because that means I need the discount and I come from a royal African family that do not need any discounts. I too have no idea why my thought pattern has evolved as such. What I know is that my mother instilled a sense of pride in us and it has always just stuck.

So mom its time to admit something. I drove past a huge beautiful kitchen set complete with fake pans, cutlery and plastic foods. Thinking about the smile on my daughters face I wrestled my demons and contested my regrets, debated my pride and thought fuck it. I am gonna do it and I dont care who the hell is watching me.

I did a U turn like I was going to save a dying friend on the side of the road. I pulled up jumped out of the SUV,,,,,,ran like my life depended on it. Picked up the huge pink kitchenette and bolted back across the road. They owner was moving and had a container on the lawn. He did not see me which was all for the best.  Within 5 seconds it was in my SUV  but the boot could not close. I was starting to get embarrassed and wanted to take it out and leave it in the road before someone saw me but then I saw rope I hid in my boot (the "just in case rope") and quickly tied everything up. I wheel spinned out of there and surprised my daughter with a beautiful kitchenette I just bought at the shop!!!

She loved it.....

What the ..........

So it was the big tent sale. That time of the month when the staff get excited to carry heavy furniture outside for the public to view. I guess these guys thought we live in such a nice country we just gonna leave all this leather furniture outside. Such a waste of time moving it in and out. Hey! Just cover them with anti theft plastic sheets. Because no stores here have any security it just makes me shake my head.

Treacherous Ice Mountain I hate YOU.

Its just something you gotta do. Go up a mountain together with your son and come down enjoying the excitement and thrill of the speed and danger. Elim and I started up the mountain but as snow fell freshly the night before it seemed like the mountain was wrapped in a nice smooth blanket and easy to climb. As we were a 3rd the way up our legs started to sink into deep crevices which were disguised by the snow. Each step was awkward and sometimes painful as well. Some crevices were so deep you could not bend your legs and had to pull them straight out.

With Elim's short legs getting caught I had to hold on to him tightly as I could even through all the padding we had on. Trying to grip his hand or arm through the gloves and thick winter jackets was not easy and I tried my best not to hurt him. I knew that if I let him go it would only take one slip for him to slide all the way down and to be injured by a kid on a snow board.

After like forever we reached the summit. Just a few more steps further. There we were so close to the top I felt like I was in the Death Zone like on Everest as we struggle to breathe in the ice cold air There was no snow on the top and you could see grass under what looked like 8cm of pure ice. I was holding on to Elim with dear life as the wind started to pick up. The view was brilliant and everything around was white. Not a tree was in sight. Young kids and their fathers snow boarding and wiping out on their man made ramps.

As I was looking out to see how fast these snowboarders were going I was concerned about wiping out with Elim. Just then everything went black.................... I could not open my eyes but felt that I was laying on my back. I could feel intense pressure from the back of my head. I decided not to move for a second and cradle my head in my gloves. I then reached for Elim to keep him from sliding. I lay there realizing I slipped on the deadly ice and fell backwards smashing my head on the thick ice. To my surprise no one around us came to check on me. My hat flew off my head, my glasses flew off somewhere and the toboggan was a few meters away.

So this is what a concussion feels like. Will Smith was right. This could kill you. I sat up trying to take the world in focus. I was on the biggest hill in the city but I tell you it was like a fokken mountain. My son looking at me trying to reassure me and help me up. Me thinking that this concussion is going to cause me to vomit so better go down the hill now. I look down and decide that the ride was too steep for me to take with a four year old so we go down another path with less of an incline.

I am on the plastic coffin sled and Elim jumps in between my legs. We motion forward and off we go.  I realize we have no brakes and that the kid and man below will soon be decapitated by our plastic coffin racing towards them. We feel the sled scratching against the ice as we launch like a rocket towards death.

I am planning to wipe out and protect Elim by wrapping him with my arms. The wind against our face we head straight for a man walking back up. As we fly towards him not changing direction I take action and dig my heels into the snow. We slow down slightly and change direction. Success I think. But then Elim turns around and all the snow I kicked up poured straight into his face. The little gap between his hoody, snow jacket and hat is covered in snow and I cannot see his eyes. He starts shivering and crying as I wipe away the snow to see his face. His face was red all over and he had snot dripping everywhere. Well.......what a fokken successful Canadian outing I planned. This bullshit I will not do again. I am done!! We going home so I give him some chocolate milk for destroying his first memory of sliding down a hill at full speed with this Dad and me almost killing myself. Canadians call it tobogganing, I call it the mountain of death ride in a coffin.
Over and Out! Literally!!!!

Actual Mountain we were on, Civic Park.

http://www.winnipeg.ca/publicworks/parksOpenSpace/ThingsToDo/TobogganHills.stm

 This was definately a before picture, believe me. Don't even judge the pictures. It does not do the mountain justice. Whatever then.....

Almost in Early Grave

 It was a lovely summer evening. The only way to spend it was at a Club Vibe matinee which was the best night club in Cape Town. Everyone and their crews were pimped out from head to toe wearing their parents perfume or Brut. I did my usual thing where I told my crew that I am not fighting with them tonight because I just dont feel like it. The boys were guaranteed a fight every fokken weekend and its the same two nutters causing the drama. You know who you are.

So we walk in club with about 4 bottles and buy 2 jugs of white wine and a jug of coke. The coke is the mixer for the brandy and vodka while the cheap ass white wine is soley there for all the low life friends begging for a drink at our table. At that age we had many of these. You just couldn't get rid of them. I tried!!!! The 2 bottles of black and Gold flake Sambuca is there to impress the talent and lure them to our table. Like stealing candy from a baby.

All I know is that the place was Rocking.....Ready D was on the burn and everyone trying to give him TDK cassette to record his session. Our girl crew had a new friend along for the night who seemed very nice. I was friendly but nothing happened. Thats all I know.

A good night was had by all. Everyone was wasted, some passed out and girls had make up drooping all over the place. The bouncers start clearing out the club and we limp out. Everyone walking home has their own path to take. My cousin and I walk towards a narrow alley between 2 buildings and its pitch dark. We hear a group coming up behind us very animated and threatening. They swamp us so we have no way out and then Mr Braveheart steps up and is all in my face. 

He starts going off how he is going to fuck me up for disrespecting him for taking his girl or something. No idea who this dude is but hes getting more brave with his boys all around him cheering him on. I see no way out as two against 17 don't make sense. Gotta talk my way out of this shit. No back up any where to be seen. I tell this dude to fuck off I don't know what he is talking about. He starts lifting his hands but I know I can take him but not his crew. 

Funny thing is that it was so dark and we were pissed as well so my sight started adjusting to the dark while my brain is finding a way out of this beating. I have a look at his crew and faces slowly become more clear. I am not spiritual but the Lord was with us this time and I recognized them all. They were a crew we partied with many times. I avoid this agro dude still threatening me and start shaking hands with all his boys. We all start laughing when they find out its me they trying to kill. Their boy is still going off and they trying to shut him up and tell him to let it go.Yoor what a save......

They pull him off and force him to walk away with them. With relief in my eyes I look at my cousin who looks slightly disapointed there was no fight. Then out of his brilliance he turns to the 17 man strong group walking away and shouts "Wys raak... more le julle ses voet" translation is "tomorrow you will all be laying dead six feet underground"

The horde immediately turns around ready to kill us so I head them off with all my charm and say we were just joking. I stand between them and block them off but I know its in vain. we gonna die tonight. Why we did not remains a mystery. Sure I knew them but they we an action crew who did not take shit. A few seconds pass I speak to their leader and make peace. He then pulls his guys away and they head off home.

Besides needing new underwear, I could not believe this fokker almost got us killed after the first save. No gun or knife but he promises they all gonna die.This is the last time I go anywhere with him again.

Hol Brand Chilli Sauce Recipe

My Hol Brand Chilli Sauce Recipe:

1. Grab a bunch of chillis like above. Ghost peppers, Habenero, Jalapenos, red chillies etc.  Throw them all in a blender and put aside. Wear gloves and goggles for protection. You will find the smell overwhelming.
2. Grab some colourful peppers, apples, and pears. Toss into a blender. 
3. Grab a few onions and blend. 
4. Throw all ingredients in a large pot. Add 1-2 liters of white vinegar.
5. Boil pot then bring down to simmer. 
6. Put you finger in the pot and taste. If you tongue burns then its perfect.

 

 

No future for our kids!!!

You know its happening. In 20 years time climate change is getting worse. Its snowing in South Africa, more crazy floods all over the world, sea levels rising.............its not gonna stop.

It seems crazy that we can have a positive impact on this but don't sell yourself short. If you can convince one other unstable friend to be green we might just be able to save a flower or two. I researched some easy practical ideas which I can implement. That's right I am taking off the blinkers and buying some karma with my blacklisted nature card. We all probably have so much carbon footprint that nature thinks we are all ISIS terrorizing the world. If you don't give a fuck then consider that at least you saving some money to pay for that porn site you regularly visit.

 1. Run your washing machine in cold water. In fact, almost 90% of the energy consumed by a washing machine goes to heating the water. Newer detergents, plus the washing machine’s agitating action, are enough to remove stains sans heat.

2.  Install a programmable thermostat. You can create various cycles for when you at work or sleeping to mitigate unnecessary usage.

3. Install ceiling fans. They use only 10% of aircon energy when you bypass the AC for some natural cooling.

4. Water plants in morning or evening. The heat during the day evaporates the water too much. Making your efforts futile and wasteful.

5. Don't use microwave popcorn. Microwave popcorn bags are lined with perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOA)—bad for the air and bad for you (it may contribute to cancer and infertility, studies show). Instead, pop the old-fashioned way in a pan on the stove with a thin layer of canola oil.

6. Make your own Green Cleaners.  Scrub the majority of your home with a water and white vinegar solution (it only costs about 20 cents!) 9 Parts of water to 1 part of vinegar. Forget the harmful chemical toxins in store bought cleaners.

7. Buy Coconut Oil. Trim your drugstore bill and beauty product waste by investing in a $10 bottle of coconut oil. It’s naturally antibacterial and antifungal, an excellent moisturizer, and penetrates hair better than other oils. Use it to soothe dry hands, moisturize your body, shave your legs, deep-condition your hair, and control flyaways

8. Use reusable bags.  Do not take plastic bags from the store!

9. Do not buy water bottles. Buy the huge reusable water bottles for a fountain machine. All the small plastic bottles you buy on a daily basis is a main source of pollution and waste.

10. Do not litter in the Ocean. The easiest way to get fired onboard is to throw anything overboard. They ocean is already being destroyed. 

If you any of you have some good ideas I can implement let me know. If you don't care maybe you should rethink that! I did purchase the below green equipment for my house instead of the petrol options as they use electricity. (I have to admit I took back the snow blower as it broke within a week and bought a petrol snow blower. In Canada I could be snowed in for weeks so just shut up okay)

My Bra Worsie!

Gone way too soon................

I was inspired to remember those we lost along the way. Two of my best friends Elton and Worsie who both died 12 years ago left an unimaginable void for us to struggle with and move forward. I am sourcing pictures of Elton and once I get them I will do a seperate blog for him.                                                                                                                                                                               

 Worsie meet world, world meet Worise. He was my best friend through high school and we lived together for about 10 years. I have too many stories of our skurrelbaans together but most of them I cannot print for legal and moral reasons.             

I will say that you could not get a guy more generous with this time and money than him. He would help anyone in need and gave everything he had even clothes off his back without hesitation. The rest of us could not do this. He also partied himself bankrupt with no  for his money - I would try to take most of his pay check and hide it away so that everything is not spent on Friday night. Seriously we needed taxi money to get home from where ever we woke up. Sometimes we took long walks home. It was not funny after a while.

 

How we funded our Adventures: We both got paid well and we would party our salary into the ground. Our next source of money was our numerous bar and restaurant tabs at a few clubs & bars in the area. As soon as his was maxed out we would max out mine. Then we would hit Cash Loans. I would spend my R5500 (lots of money 20 years ago) and leave my debit card with them and they gave me another R1000. Once all these are tapped out we would walk to the bar with zero in pocket and rely on our good looks and reputation for everyone else to buy us drinks. In a blink of an eye we would have 10 -15 drinks in front of us especially at happy hour. We could party the entire weekend with no money to our name. We were Winners cause we just could not loose!!!! 

The picture above is where we landed up at Ratanga Junction and had a mad time. We drank through all our money and at the end of the day all the staff knew us by name and wanted to serve us. We were on our way to buy a TV and decided to blow all the TV money on shit as well including this fokken expensive picture with a eagle or something. Shit faced and on our last drink we realized we were penniless and had no way to go home. So once again our good looks and luck shone down on us and we ran into my cousin Elana who was having a day at the park. She happily drove us home.

 

The picture above I have no feedback on other to say we were not athletically inclined except if to run from the police or my mother. To his defence he is surrounded by beer cans and sitting down so don't be fooled. I am sure the soccer ball is just a prop.   

 

One of my favourite pics is this one above. Taken at Club Royale back in the day. Royale became our base from which we would plan our missions. We would all meet up and let the night take us from there. No matter what time we walked into the Club it was always a place where everyone knows your name. Still is.

Worsie has joined "Club 27" with the other royalty like Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse etc...... We know he is in good company and ripping the place apart where ever he is. Love you much brother. You are missed more and more.

If you have a story you about the Wors Man please add into the comments below. Thanks so much.

Technology Sucks

VHS Master

My father once told me something so simple yet I live its reality everyday. He said: "Son, do you know what technology stands for?" I said no. He replied with: "It stands for speed"

Technology is constantly evolving to make our daily lives easier and our tasks faster and we see that with everything we do. He told me his company is working on a scanner which can add up your grocery bill by passing the entire cart full of groceries through it. This would be very much welcomed but I suppose if never got off the ground. He was a smart guy with tons of ideas and I regret never investing in any of it even though he gave brilliant sales pitches. I guess I just did not trust him enough. My bad!

Our kids will miss so many experiences we held deeply and that's the way it goes. I could mention a ton of stuff into my old age at which time my kids would stop listening. Its good to mention all of this but also more important to change with the times. Here is a simple example of an experience now extinct. With Netflix at your finger tips there is no need to get off you seat to rent that movie. You have thousands of titles to choose from and play them instantly. Now where is the fun in that? 

I could not find any pics of the actual store unfortunately.

 Its a pity that my kids will never know the true appreciation of movies. I am talking about mom promising to rent us movies for the weekend. This alone caused hysterical activity as we would be kickboxing and acting like ninjas in anticipation of the movies we favored. Mom then drove us to the video store preparing for a 2 hour practice in patience on her part and adventure on ours.Our usual spot was Dalvies Video in Athlone.

 The joy of running through the thousands of videos on the wall mixed with the devastation when after you found the one and then realize it was already taken out.....@#$%. Another hour to find another film. We grab three videos and hire an entire VHS machine for the night as ours chew up tapes like the Cookie Monster.Our we go with this massive machine is its huge protective cover and 3 VHS videos.

Yoor it was the best feeling ever coming home to set up all the wiring and spending an hour trying to get the video channel by twisting the knobs until your fingers bled. Its all worth it as tomorrow you gotta take all this back before they charge you a late fee!! Voetsak we paid big bucks for this so we wake up early the next morning to watch it again before we take it away. Gotta get your moneys worth.

 You could not lie and say the video store was closed because there was always a slot to return the movies through when they were closed. Oh the days back then. Golden!!

Let the Terrorist Through!!

Let the Terrorist Through

So received a letter saying to meet for the citizenship exam in the next week. Once successful I will get a date to swear an Oath to the Canadian Flag. Yes its better than getting a Green Card to the US its a dream for most people.

I guess I should be more happy especially since I got 100% for the exam but I cant betray my feelings. Lets get the obvious out of the way. A Canadian passport is like kryptonite to me, its like Van Der Merwe in a whore house with a credit card, its just doesn't get any better than that. For a guy from Athlone who has been traveling the world and knows what it means to use a Third World passport to get around, I should feel completely elated. Imagine you needed a passport with a current visa every time you entered Shoprite, this is what's its like. Having security personnel organize themselves every time you present your South African passport - in less than subtle ways I might add. Having my bags constantly ruffled through for bombs, guns, biltong and animal skins - which is understandable.

I look back to one specific incident when boarding a plane in Canada. It was the smallest airport I have ever been in. There was probably only 5 people in the entire airport including my wife and I. As I gently walked up to the security point I very slowly removed my passport from my shirt pocket. As I pulled it out ever so carefully as to not frighten the heavily armed security it was about half way out when they started to whistle and motion each other to surround me. The security in front of me started to give me her smart ass "I am just doing my job and you better listen or I send you to Guantanamo" speech. Ordered me to remove everything including my prosthetic leg and toupee.  I get taken one side and done over thoroughly. The Ghamajtie in me just snapped but in a well controlled way that my wife would just about approve.

I raised my voice and calmly spoke to the security and asked why on earth did she call a death com five on me when I did not even show her my passport. I told her how frustrating this all is. She understood my pain and nicely told me on my air ticket there is an allocation of SSS which mean triple security threat. Possibly because I paid cash or there is no return ticket. As my wife was stabbing me in my heart with her eyes for causing a scene in dear Canada I digressed and moved on.

Violated or Justified

I will get tons of slack for suggesting that their profiling is justified. For years working on ships we travelled in and out of the US and were always "randomly chosen" to sit in a bullet proof glass room with homeland security offices for anywhere between 3-8 hours. Looking around at all the brown people in the room you immediately see each others pain and solidarity with every eye contact and roll of the eyes. We are in the lions den and we have no choice. So shut up, comply, act subservient to the Homeland security Gods and beg like a leper for them to let you in. Ordinarily us guys would be bold and brave by saying you do not take discrimination, you will not be spoken down to, you will not be interrogated because you are in charge of your being and freedom. But in this case you are so desperate to get through that exit doors and to the promised land you would forgo your usual bravado and ego. Yes I said it. You would lick the doughnut crumbs off his face to let your through those golden gates.

Here's the despicable part: I do not blame them for profiling. If some crazy jihadist was trying to bring an explosive on the plane that I am on I would tell them to triple check all the brown people first!!

The Cape Town Gatsby

Here are some simple rules to follow to enjoy one of my favourite foods that I grea up with in Cape Town. This is usually consumed on the bonnet of your car at 4:00am. I copied the below etiquette as it summed it up perfectly. They all have the standard long roll with fries then you add your toppings which is usually polony slices, steak, calamari, Vienna or anything else you can imagine.

The traditional Gatsby for me is fries, fried polony slices, peri-peri chilli spice, hot mango atchar with tomato sauce. I believe back in the day it cost $US 0.60c. Perfect for after the night club or lunch on a sunny Saturday afternoon in Athlone where the best Gatsby's are made.

Shafiek Fiekiejoe Joseph

 

The Great Gatsby Etiquette
1. Keep the time between purchase and consumption of the Gatsby as short as possible. Cold chips are no one's friend.
2. Cut the Gatsby into a maximum of four pieces. Anything smaller is a gross injustice to the Gatsby because there's no way you'll be filled by a fifth or less.

3. Any chip falling from any given piece of the Gatsby is considered fair game. The ruling on this is final.
4. When separating the Gatsby, note the point of division: practice absolute precision here to avoid taking the bottom roll of the next person's piece. Ask for assistance if necessary.

5. You must finish your share. Besides it being a terrible waste, you'll be scorned by the Gatsby Fraternity for all time for being vesin (silly)
6. Grip is critical. Cup your piece in your hand so that loose bits have nowhere to fall except back into your hands. Avoid the scenario described in Point 3.
7. Never, ever leave the Gatsby unattended. It will "walk away"
8. It's best to accompany the Gatsby with a beverage, ie Jive, Frulati or Cabana. Hearty burping guarantees relief.

9. Observe relative silence when consuming the Gatsby. No one likes to talk and eat at the same time. See Point 1 regarding cold chips.
10. Always wash hands with soap and water at the conclusion to avoid getting a spicy finger in the eye, a condition commonly known as "Gatsby Eye". The only cure is self-induced crying. No one wants to see that, so just make the trip and wash your damn hands.
11. The bra that contributes the least towards the gatsby gets the smallest piece...
12. The Gatsby is not supposed to be eaten out of a plate, so make sure you ask the BB.Sc (Bra Behind Shop Counter) to double wrap the Gatsby to ensure enough paper for everyone.
13. Avoid eye contact with anyone not eating the Gatsby for fear of them asking for a stukkie (piece) or shouting "kap 'n baat".Alternatively turn the music volume up in your car.

14. When sipping on the Frulati (fruity juice), make sure you only have 2 sips then pass... anyone attempting more than 2 sips forfeit the next round.NO BACKWASH!!!
15. Nothing on the Gatsby is to be wasted (refer point 5), that includes any salads or sauces still remaining in the paper...





 

Psycho Sales Techniques

Driving on a beautiful summers day enjoying the view of the river and BAMM straight into a truck! That's how it all started. Against my will I am now forced to purchase a new car and pay for the next few years. Alfie our Corolla was 11 years old and more dependable than most of you no gooders!!

Part 1
I get into this brand new Hyndai Santa Fe SUV. Mr Sales guy is a cool 21 years of age with mother from Guyana, that was my first clue that things are gonna get interesting (because of my love of Guyanese people) He drives off the lot & finds a gravel road along the highway. At the end of the road is a river with a right turn going under the bridge which crosses the river. So Mr Sales guy says Mr Engel let me show you stability and electronic balancing. He takes off like a bat with his foot flat on the pedal. I am holding onto to dear life and can see myself in the police station being questioned why we were floating in the river.

Flying down the road towards the bloody river he takes his hands off the wheels and holds them in the air like I am holding his ass up. Iam like "shit these cops wont believe this story" He then slams his foot on the breaks and the SUV sails over the gravel spraying stones all over the place. Amazingly we come to a stop still on the gravel road and he tells me "look we slid down the road in a straight line, that is stability Mr Engel"

Before I can say "are you Jus in your head" He pulls away with his foot flat down telling me not to worry as he will take a sharp right before going into the river and slide around the corner under the bridge with perfection. I see only a small gap between the river and the bridge and all I am thinking of is these people just made me a citizen and giving me a passport and I am going die in this car with a psycho salesman that missed a few hugs as a child.

Speeding straight for the river I feel myself pressing invisible breaks, with 5 meters to go he serves right without slowing down and the SUV takes the corner like a champ. Its electronic sensors are preventing the car from sliding off into the river and maintain and flat out speed along the turn. At least this is what Mr Daredevil is trying to explain to me.

What on earth is going on here!! He is trying to get me deported cause I just signed my life away just to take the car for a spin and Mighty Mouse over here is hogging the thrill factor. This is too much pressure for the African. I thought the customer is suppose to drive like a maniac while Mr Sales guy tells them to slow down. No ways not at this place. Shit I landed up in the wrong car at the wrong time. The fact that we made that corner has nothing to do with it at all. This oke has some issues he needs to deal with but not with me in the car. My liability extends as far as I can throw him and that's not far.

Part 2

I am not a negotiator & never was. If I don't like you I just walk away instead of playing the cat and mouse sales bit cause I know you got more angles that I just don't care for. So we see this shiny SUV that is just what we want with all the trimmings. I ask what the price and he wants to take us for a test drive. I told him I just survived my last test but he can take me wife. So goes for a drive and she loves the car, so we sit down. I tell him to give me the price and make it snappy as we have other dealerships to go to. He starts looking up the cars at the dealerships I mention and talking shit about them. I tell him to focus on his car and if he makes the sale good for him.

He gives me a promissory note to sign saying if he gives me a deal I will buy the car. I said he thinks I must be stupid to sign a promissory note when he has not even given me the price yet. He says they want it signed as they don't want to do all this work and then I buy somewhere else. Well if you didn't want to work today you should of stayed at home watching CNN!...... WTF are you on man? That's your job to work out numbers and sell shit. You know what you can do with your paper. I go for a walk and want to pack the baby in the car because Psycho salesman here needs motivation to sell me something. Marie tells him I wont sign Jack. Then he goes and comes back with another form to sign? This form says he is explaining all the features of the SUV and needs my signature because below it acknowledges our conversation and I promise to buy the vehicle from him.

Okay that's enough!! He hasn't even given me the price and comes up with this Mickey Mouse sales bullshit. And off to the car I go with the baby! That's what happens when you don't listen to people. You piss them off and you lose a sale. Thank God my wife is the smart one who has time and patience and she elegantly got introduced to the manager who was a superb salesman and closed the deal. I had enough I was hungry lets go eat. Exhausting!!

Sorry Mandela I am more selfish than you!

So on Tuesday I was invited to take the Canadian Oath and become a Canadian citizen. Everyone around me and those at the ceremony were really ecstatic on their achievement. I received praised from many with even a celebration and decorations at work.

I know I should be more excited and proud but I just don't feel that way. Listening to the presiding Officer it is clear that my fellow immigrants taking the oath swam rivers, climbed mountains and dodged bullets just to get here. They have earned a new lease on life and a guaranteed future for their family. I am not saying I didn't struggle but my path was not that desperate. The faces around me showed appreciation that was sincere and grateful. Why was I not?



I love South Africa and have always been its staunched defender. Now I was to recite allegiance to a queen and her family successors. I was to bow down to a monarchy and lay my life down for this woman that lives in another country. As I am writing this it sounds even more absurd. This proclamation is so vital that the official at the ceremony gives you a light Canadian warning that if the officials do not see the oath coming out of your mouth they will not confirm your citizenship so keep your mouth moving or better luck next year. I struggle with this and continue to do so. The only way I stayed on course was my wife's voice in my head saying "don't do anything stupid today just think about the passport" I will redeem myself by saying that if they asked me to go down on my knees I would of told everyone to fuck off! I already declined to put my hand on the bible.

If any of you have read the long walk to Freedom you will know that when the comrades were banned, exiled and harassed some made the decision to leave SA and live in supporting countries while studying and supporting the movement from abroad. Madiba stayed behind and was known as the Phantom as the security police were desperate to catch him while he travelled at night visiting towns and villages. He did not want to leave but instead fight along side the people. For his bravery he spent 27 years behind bars with many others who did the same. So for me to admit that I abandoned my country is harder than you can believe but also not entirely true.


On my life's journey I have found myself leaving the most beautiful city in the world because I was in a dark soul destroying hole that I dug for myself. How I went from death to travelling the world is something only the Lord that I don't believe in knows. Circumstance and lots of luck got me travelling the world for the last 10 years. I can only say that good thinks happen to nice people who have no sense to look after themselves. So travelling led to love and then to a promised land that was beyond understanding. At least I came here on a
cruise ship and not a slave ship.



Its my fourth year in this foreign land and the world makes sense. Money is abundant, Futures are guaranteed and safety is not a concern. As much as I love Capetonians who are the only people in the world that understand me I falter in my resolve. Even though my jokes are not appreciated or sarcastic tone always taken out of context, even though I my words and sayings are misinterpreted and my disdain for following rules is frowned upon I do not want to give up this normalcy I found myself in. The most heartbreaking dilemma is that my family and friends are in a place called home and now I am the guy who visits every 3 years.

I am proud that I could set my family up in one of the best countries in the world. That is all that matters.

Sitting in Shit

I have two words for you. Sump Pump!! I know I should end the story here as we have dignity and ego at stake but then again that's for people who give a shit about what others think. I lack this so here it is.

I set the scene: Its -25 out. My wife is in her Pj's trying to break ice outside in the elements, I am in the basement in my underpants sitting on the floor trying to hold two pieces of pipe together and I am covered in shit. I am shouting to her to break the ice, she is shouting back that she's numb, I start screaming that dirty washing machine water is spraying all over me and I cant take it no more, my grip is slipping and when it does it will flood our new house and all our goods we still have not unpacked. Sewage water is gushing while I hold these pvc pipes together but I am loosing grip and bursts of water is coming out every time I slip or my arm gives in. How can this damn pump be this strong. How can this exit pipe freeze up. This is all bullshit I say.

 

 

"Call the fucking plumber immediately! I don't care its Sunday evening or how much they charge. This is a life and death situation" As I am getting more pissed off screaming to my wife to get on the phone already. I turn around and find her standing behind me with her glasses all frozen up laughing her ass off at me. I counted till ten then stared to relax and laugh with while soaked in sewage water and counting my blessings that I live in a First world country. After that no amount of bleach and aloe could wash my soul clean.

Go ahead and laugh cause I am done with this story and already moved on...........

CMHR, #CanadianMuseumofHumanRights

Visited the Canadian Museum of Human Rights as part of an anniversary date with my lovely wife. It was chosen as a venue as I wanted something new and different we could experience together. This would of included a learning opportunity as well in the hope we came away more passionate or motivated from the experience.

Walking up to the building I cant helping thinking that the strange appearance is all part of what makes museums interesting and attractive. Most of the famous museums around the world are designed by mad men that wanted to shock and awe the public with their outrageous designs that only made sense to them. Of course any museum would take you on an hour tour if you would like an explanation on this but if you looking for understanding then don't waste your time. So I digress and quiet my mind to enjoy the view. Why not indulge in an artistic impression which will not be viewed any where else in the world. Get with it George its Freedom of expression, freedom of censorship and freedom of mind. Hence we in the CMHR so I guess it all makes sense.....or does it?

 



Overall I found the museum lacking. I did enjoy the opportunity of putting my thoughts up on the wall as part of the museum landscape. One had two opportunities to record your thoughts and post them up as part of the museum. I embraced this with all my being and proudly said what had to be said. My wife who is my personal editor and counselor in this fine land was on hand to view and approve of them before the public was witness. I therefore ensured I did not cross the fine line in fear of censorship. My thoughts were posted as below.....

 

"Education is vital. Remember Africa is not a country!"

 

"Within a split second your mind stereotypes, Catch this before the conclusion and make it your own"

My contribution aside my favourite experience was the 360 screen playing a first nation message through various persons of different ages. A message of their culture and lifestyle which made you appreciate their being with this small introduction. It was my only emotional trip at the museum worth mentioning and exactly what the rest of the population needed.



I found the rest of the museum to be luke warm. As a South African I need to see shock and disgust to get my mind going. Putting up exhibits that are mildly interesting and not offensive should be removed. There are so many fundamental issues going on at the moment that we need current issues platformed and not government sponsored artistic messages. Think of who owns the museum and who are its biggest backers. Are there any issues not being represented here because of conflict of interest? Of course!! Its sometimes so obvious. Human Rights is on going and not a specific event in the past. Therefore the representation should be on going as well and not exclusive. These curators are in a tough spot and we demand our expectations met. I can think of many human rights addresses that are being fought right here in Canada. I would love to see these brought to our attention in the CMHR. I do fear that the Canadian psyche of self censorship will prevent it from portraying human rights abuses in the pornographically real and violent setting which is needed to evoke the emotional attention.


This is my opinion and thoughts but you go make up your own and then comment on this blog. You can join a tour by clicking on one of the links below. Enjoy the latest tourist attraction in Winnipeg. http://www.tourismwinnipeg.com/


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https://humanrights.ca/
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