Saturday, 17 November 2012

Inappropriate Conversation

Its time to talk shit!! Why would you go through life with the blinkers on only because your society has deemed things inappropriate?

Can you live with yourself if you have never had the nerve to ask your wife how she cleans her bum after utilizing the toilet? Well....... We all know this is risky territory but what do you have to loose? Get over yourself and be blunt. I always wondered whether my freshy fresh ritual was unique to me or if others shared my process.

Its like a standup comedian said, why do they double or triple ply toilet paper when we all fold it anyway? We do, don't we? Well its because we want to ensure we are resourceful with every ply and the more you can fold the more you save. Its taking a shit One on One. I don't even know where to start with my train of thought so just wish me luck. Iam sure there are a few of you who secretly and ashamedly sniff the air for that sweet and sour toilet smell after use. I can relate to you because there is something alluring about a smell so odorous and foul. You tell yourself the smell is natural and its your own personal bodily products that have produced this guilty pleasure. Oh stop pulling your face, like your shit don't smell? I suppose you shit ice cream then? (this line perfect for sturvy girls) Its the same as being guilty of sniffing Tippex or petrol only now its in the comfort of your favourite room in the house.

For years I had trouble sleeping worried that the toilet paper was not correctly on the holder. Its my fundamental and constitutional right have have the paper roll out from under the roll and not over top. Why family do not take me serious when I discuss this with them, frustrate me to no end......31,32,33,34,35........ My OCD compels me, my OCD compels me.
Have you ever taken time wondering how many ways there are to wipe or freshy fresh yourself. You could stand up or stay seated. The only bitch about sitting down is when your TP gets wet from the toilet water especially if the toilet itself is low. So by some miracle you have to slide your hand under yourself and wipe while not touching the murky waters below. Why has no one brought this dilemma up before? Are you just too shy to ask? Shame.

Then again is it normal for you to look at the paper every time you wipe. Its only logical, so you can intelligently predict when to cease with the action at hand. This means you have to wipe shit on a paper and bring it up to your face so you can peek at it. Ya I know.......we all do it, but is it actually necessary. Why I voluntarily want to look at my shit is something even my shrink cannot explain. But am I alone or will you admit to it?

Talking about dilemmas! When I was small but big enough to go to the toilet on my own I experienced the emergency of my life. I screamed out loud for my mother and she came running. She kicked down the toilet door and to her horror found a large piece of shit on the floor right next to the toilet. I could just see a cartoon bubble next to her head saying "How the fuck did this happen?"
As you know my mother needs no bubble or filter so everyone in the house heard her. Its important to put this in perspective, there I was with as scared look on my face under my little afro and a turd on the floor. lol.

You see I realized that I didn't like the cold ceramic seat against my legs. So in my brilliance I decided to pull a crouching tiger, hidden dragon. I would crouch on the toilet with my feet on the ceramic seat balancing while I aimed for the wishing well below. This has worked well for me for a while until one unfortunate day when my timing disappointed me. So there I was doing the old number two when I turned to right to grab the TP on the wall and I misjudged my finish and let one drop as my ass was turned over the bowl on the opposite end. Its all physics and gravity and was not my fault at all. Now literally shit like this only happens to me. Yes Iam a couple of poops short of a sewer but would not change that experience for the world.

PS: World Toilet Day is observed annually on 19 November. This international day of action aims to break the taboo around toilets and draw attention to the global sanitation challenge.


Listening Eagle said...

OMG! This is bloody hilarious! I do watch the paper after I wipe...I think that's important....that's how I knew that corn doesn't quite digest! And if you eat crap purple! Bet you didn't know that huh! I love this blog...BRILLIANT! JUST BLOODY BRILLIANT!

Bushman Diaries said...

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